We Did What We Did and We Tried to Forget
by tito72
Summary: tribal!au in which steve doesn't want another baby, but that doesn't mean he's not distraught when his body makes the decision for him. and of course, tony's issues complicate things, as well. mpreg, miscarriage. follows A Look and Your Own Special Brand of Temptation
1. Chapter 1

After Carol is born, Steve thinks, this is it, no more children, and feels a mixture of relief and regret. It's the smart thing to do; they've already got enough kids to be worrying about, at least at this point in time. This fourth baby is going to cause problems, and no doubt, but they'll be manageable, he's sure. He's just as sure, though, that five, five would be too many. Now is a good place to stop, for a while.

He was right, four kids is harder, but not by that much. Tony starts taking Peter with him and Wade to the horse paddock, leaving Steve with just Jan and Carol to care for most of the morning. Billy is a huge help with that, too. Steve's not sure what he'd do if the kid wasn't there. Probably never get any work done in the fields. As it is, he still has to take breaks to feed Carol, when she gets hungry every few hours. It always makes him think he's not doing as much for the tribe as he could be, but well, his kids come before the good of the tribe.

Anyway, Billy doesn't mind the kids, seems to love them, in fact. He stops Steve one morning, after Steve drops them off and asks if he'd be willing to explain how babies are made, specifically. Steve's not even sure he has the words for explaining on a general scale, and with so many kids around, specifics definitely aren't happening.

"It's something you learn on your wedding night," he finally comes up with, after a few minutes of embarrassed stuttering. "You and your partner decide to make a baby, and then… you do," he finishes lamely.

"Yeah, but how?" Billy prompts. "I was talking about it with Teddy, and he doesn't know either. How are we going to make a baby when we're married if neither of us knows how to do it?"

"Aren't you a little young to be worrying about that?" Steve tries desperately.

"I'm twelve," Billy tells him, rather proudly. "In four years I'll be sixteen, and that's when anyone who's not an heir can marry."

"There you go then," Steve says, quickly. "You've got four years to learn. Just don't do any experimenting with Teddy between now and then, and you'll be fine." Then he hurries away before the conversation can scar him even more. He also makes a mental note to have Tony explain baby-making to the kids, when they're ready.

It's good none of his kids are the jealous type, Tony thinks, because they're bad enough as it is without acting out for attention, what with the new baby. It's an ordinary day, really. Tony brings Peter and Wade to the paddock with him in the mornings and gives them something to entertain them while he works, shoeing horses or fixing arrowheads. And if sometimes he gets a little distracted and forgets to keep an eye on them for a while, well, neither of them has been horribly injured yet, so it's probably okay.

Of course, it's probably only a matter of time. Today, when Tony looks up from rebraiding a horse rope, he spots Wade instantly, standing with his back to the wall of the workroom, throwing horseshoe nails, apparently just to see how far they'll go.

"Wade, no!" Tony yells, and Wade freezes, slowly turns his head toward Tony. Tony knows what he's about to do the instant before he does it, because his little smile goes wide and devious. Then he grabs up as many nails as he can carry and makes a break for it

"Get back here!" Tony calls after him, giving chase. Wade is not an easy person to catch. Tony's got longer legs, but Wade can squeeze through small spaces and is notoriously slippery. Every time Tony thinks he's got him in his grasp, Wade somehow manages to squirm away at the last second and Tony's left clutching at empty air. Twice he almost gets clocked by nails as Wade loses his grasp on them.

Finally, Tony has an idea. He slows his chase to a walk, casual and nonthreatening. "Wade," he says, and Wade looks back at him, warily, still inching away. "Where's your brother? Where's Peter?"

It's Wade's job to look out for Peter, they've told him enough times, and unlike most of the things they tell Wade, this job he's taken to heart. He always, always knows where Peter is. He stops, turns and points.

"Up there," Wade says, and Tony feels a stab of panic for where Peter might be. Still, he uses Wade's distraction to his advantage, swooping in and grabbing him under the arms.

"Gotcha," he says. Then he takes a deep, calming breath and turns in the direction Wade had been pointing. Sure enough, Peter's somewhere dangerous and high off the ground. He's standing on Tony's work table, right at the edge, and it looks as if he's getting ready to-

"Jump!" Wade yells, and Peter does.

Only Tony's quick reflexes, honed from having four kids, saves Peter from a broken arm or worse. Then he's got both his boys in his arms, and he's panting from the near miss.

"What were you thinking?" Tony asks, sinking down to sit on the ground, but both boys just stare up at him innocently. "How did you even get up onto the table, Peter? Some days I think you must be part spider or something. And you, Wade, why would you tell him to jump? You're supposed to be looking out for him, that was the exact opposite of looking out for him!"

Wade hangs his head and pouts. Peter just smiles, sweet and totally unconcerned. Tony sighs.

"That's it. Both of you are on blanket folding duty the rest of the morning. I want them neat and stacked in that corner and all done by lunch. And, uh, let's just not tell your Papa about this, okay?"

The look they both give him at that, smiling and much too agreeable, makes him sure it'll be the first thing Steve hears about at lunch.

"I am exhausted," Tony says that night, sprawled all over Steve. He sounds it, too, and if his day was anything like Steve's, it's totally understandable.

Between lunch and supper had been the worst, after Tony brought back the boys. At naptime, just after lunch, it'd taken ages to get everyone down. Every time Carol finally fell asleep, one of the boys would start a slap fight, or Jan would start to babble at the top of her lungs, and Carol would wake back up and start crying again, putting them right back at the beginning. Then, after naps were done, the boys decided it would be a good idea to roughhouse right next to where the baby was still sleeping in her little pram. Of course, just as Steve was gearing up to yell at them for waking her, again, Peter clumsily tucked her back in and Wade tried to rock her pram to make her go back to sleep. It didn't work, his movements were too jerky and sudden, but it was the thought that counted, Steve supposed.

After that, Steve put them to work. They're too young to help with the mending or sewing, but they're the perfect age to really enjoy getting dust out of things. Since it wasn't wash day, all the bedrolls had to be hung up and beat to get rid of the dust coming in off the plain. Steve just gave them each a stick and pointed them in the right direction, and the rest they figured out pretty quickly. After that, they even folded the blankets, which is a skill Steve wasn't aware they had. Must be Tony's doing.

Supper was after that, though at least Tony was there to help. Getting everyone to sit still and eat their food, not just play in it, is a full-time job. It's best accomplished by having someone sit on Tony's lap, someone on Steve's and two kids in the middle. Peter and Wade can't sit next to each other, though, or they get distracted and don't eat. And since Carol's too little to sit on her own, Steve usually just keeps her on his shoulder or in his arms. She's more out of the way against his shoulder, but when she's in that position, she tends to suck bruises into his skin, much smaller versions of the ones Tony likes to leave on the back of his neck. He knows it means she wants his nipple, but it's something she's just not going to get while the entire tribe is sitting right there. He always feeds her as soon as he gets back to the tent, and if that means putting up with the bruises on his neck, well, he'd rather have that embarrassment than the alternative.

Then of course, there's getting everyone down for the night, which always takes just long enough for Steve to lose faith in procreation. Some nights it's a bit easier, enough for Steve and Tony to have the energy for sex afterward. Tonight is not one of those nights.

"I'm tired, too," he says, around a yawn. "The kids were absolute terrors all day. Wade and Peter even got Happy into their tussling at one point. Poor kid got knocked right on his butt. I thought Pepper was going to string them up on the clothesline by their ears."

"Good," Tony says, rubbing circles idly on Steve's belly. "Let her, they'll learn their lesson pretty quick after that. I'll say one thing for our kids, though. They may be monsters, but they're tough. One of them gets knocked over, they'd probably just keep rolling on purpose to get as much mud on them as possible."

"They're not so bad," Steve agrees. "When you're here, at least."

Tony sighs. "I guess you heard, then?"

"Someone mentioned at lunch," Steve says. "When do you leave?"

"Two days," Tony tells him. "Not sure how long we'll be gone. But… I'll think of you every night."

"I'm sure Rhodey will appreciate that," Steve laughs. There's a pause when neither of them say anything, then Steve confesses, "I'll miss you."

"You, too," Tony says, sleepily.

After that, they hold each other close, too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Then, in the morning, they wake up and start the whole process all over again.

If Steve thought caring for four kids was hard with Tony around, it's nothing compared to how it is when Steve has them all day, every day, all by himself. Everything he usually does with Tony is suddenly twice as hard. The worst part is supper, when everyone's sitting down to eat. Because Tony isn't there, the usual positions to keep the kids behaving don't work. Steve still has to hold Carol, but other than that, the best he can manage is to have everyone crowd around him in a little circle so he can keep an eye on them more easily.

"All right, guys, settle down," Steve tells them the first night Tony's gone, and does a quick count. One on his shoulder and four at his feet. That's five. Steve nods and reaches for the meat to begin passing it out. Then he stops, backtracks, and looks back down at his kids. Five? That's not right. There should only be four. He counts, again, peering at their little faces this time. Carol's on his shoulder, and at his feet, Jan's clutching at his pant leg. A yard away, Wade and Peter are playing some sort of clapping game that's quickly devolving into more of a slapping game, Steve should put a stop to that, and there, beside them, there's the interloper.

"Phil," Steve says, and Phil looks up at him with a happy smile. Steve's not sure what he did to make it happen, but this kid has taken a serious shine to him. He follows Steve any time he gets the chance, crawling on his little hands and knees, trying to keep up with Steve's strides. Soon he'll be toddling, and then Clint will probably have to put him on a leash to keep him from wandering off to find Steve.

"Where's your daddy?" Steve asks, and Phil smiles even wider at the word.

"Right here," Clint says, hurrying over, Maria clinging to his back. "Sorry. The little monkey made a break for it. Had to physically hold her back from trying to wrangle one of the horses. I think she was planning a journey of exploration or something."

"Just wait until you get older, Maria," Steve tells her kindly. "Then every time your mommy goes off on a hunt, you can go, too."

"Ugh," Clint says, pulling a face and hauling Maria around to his front. He sets her down and she rushes right over to her brother to hug him, instead. "Don't tell her that, Steve. I'm too young and beautiful to think about my kids getting married and making their own houses."

Steve knows that feeling. Just thinking about Wade having his own house is terrifying. Granted, he's only three, but because Steve knows Tony, he knows that this kind of manic energy and penchant for trouble never go away completely. Tony was an absolute menace as a child, Steve's heard. Steve himself was a quiet, shy boy, which means their bad kids are all Tony's fault. The thought makes Steve smile, fondly.

"Have a seat," Steve invites. "What's a few more kids, anyway?"

"Thanks," Clint says, sitting down and reaching out to pull both of his kids into his lap. Then, looking sly, he asks, "So does that mean you're thinking about having another?"

"Definitely not," Steve says, quick enough to make Clint laugh. "Five is just too many. I wouldn't be able to handle it. These four are a handful, as it is."

As if to prove his point, Peter and Wade's slapping fight devolves into them rolling around on the ground, perilously close to the fire.

"Hey!" Steve yells, and runs to chase after them. These kids, he loves them, but if he has anymore, he may not survive it.

By the time Tony gets back from the hunt, three weeks later, Steve's so tired he barely wakes up when Tony slides into bed behind him, smelling of sweat and horse.

"Hi," he mutters, sleepily, rolling back to be tighter against Tony's body. He's not surprised when he feels Tony hard against his back. He's always so turned on when he gets back from a hunt, though from the excitement of the chase or from being away from his bride for so long, Steve's not sure. Steve's pretty tired, but he could be persuaded into giving it up tonight, and he grinds himself back a bit, pleased when Tony's hips jump, involuntarily.

"You seem tired, Steve," Tony tells him playfully. "But I bet I can wake you up."

"That's okay," Steve teases, and tries to roll away. Tony just hauls him backwards and gets him on his back, Steve's favorite position. He shoves Steve's legs apart and kneels between them.

"I see Carol's been giving you bruises," Tony comments, getting a good look at him. "Haven't you been giving her the goods?" He brings his hands up, and Steve knows what's coming, braces up, but the pain when Tony thumbs his nipples still makes his eyes roll back in his head. Carol's more chompy than any of the others ever were, and Steve's nipples are so sore these days that just the fabric of his shirt rubbing against them sometimes makes him see stars.

Tony keeps rubbing, though, until Steve's writhing under him, begging, for something, anything, he doesn't even know. Tony shushes him, then, lets him calm down a bit while they kiss. When Steve is sure his head isn't going to explode, he gives Tony nod and Tony gets his fingers inside him, one at first, then two, stretching him and making him ache in an entirely different way. Of course, because Tony likes to make him suffer, he waits until Steve is begging again to put his cock inside. It doesn't last long, of course, not with the way he has Steve so wound up, but the shockwaves when he comes are worth it.

Afterward, Tony pulls out oh-so-carefully, and wraps his arms around Steve again, nuzzling his neck. Steve's suddenly incredibly tired again. "Love you," he mutters, and falls asleep, Tony's face in his neck and his come leaking out of Steve and down his thigh. Things will be easier now, now that Tony's home. Everything will be better.


	2. Chapter 2

The nausea hits Steve midmorning about a month after Tony gets back from the hunt. He's in the fields, trying to get at a particular stubborn weed, when the familiar rolling in his stomach makes itself known. Steve knows what it is instantly. He's had too many kids to not recognize pregnancy sickness when he feels it. It's a different kind of sickness from anything else he's ever had, and this, what he's feeling now, is definitely it. He slinks out of the field, far enough away for people not to be staring, and falls to his knees, thinking, despite his certainty, "Please don't be a pregnancy. Please be a false alarm." Of course, that's when the cramps start.

After a few minutes of gagging and retching, Steve sighs shakily and hauls himself back up. If this is a pregnancy, and Steve's almost sure of it, it seems like it's going to be a bad one. He should have known not to be lured into a false sense of security by how relatively easy being pregnant with Carol was. He starts back to the fields, wondering when he and Tony could have even made this baby. Then he recalls the night Tony returned from the hunt, and how comforted Steve himself had been by the feeling of Tony's come leaking out of him. He hadn't even realized what that meant, at the time. Boy are they stupid to have let that happen.

He powers through the rest of the morning, ignoring the cramps and the shakes he gets periodically. By lunch time, though, he's so dizzy he thinks he might fall over on the way back to the tents. He nearly does fall when he bends to pick up Carol, but catches himself just in time. He's got all four kids today, because Tony has to work on some delicate experiment that needs all his attention. It's better, though, this way, because he can count on Wade and Peter to not let Jan get lost or anything, since Steve's not feeling well enough to pick her up, too.

They go back to the tent first, before lunch, because Steve thinks he's still got some of the nausea herbs from the last pregnancy that he can dig out. He sets Carol in her pram and tells the kids to wait a minute, then sits down heavily on his bedroll. Another wave of cramps hits just then, though, worse than the last set, and Steve thinks, vaguely, maybe lying down will help.

The next thing he knows, Wade is shaking his shoulder, eyes wide and scared. "Papa?" he asks, and Steve wants to reach up, comfort his son, let him know everything is going to be fine, but his head is heavy and his arms won't cooperate. Then the cramps come again, and all Steve can do is curl up on himself and whimper. He vaguely registers Wade instructing Peter to "Watch Papa," and taking off at a run, but it's all background to the pain.

Steve blinks, and Pepper's standing above him, saying "You're bleeding, Steve!" panicked-like, then "Wade, go get Bruce and then your daddy, okay? Tell them it's important." She reaches out a hand to touch Steve's forehead, and her hand feels so cool that he can't help but to lean into it. He wishes Tony was here.

"He's coming, buddy, just hang on," Pepper says, and either she read his mind or he said it out loud, Steve can't tell, but either way, it's that thought, that Tony's coming, that keeps him going when the pain comes again.

Tony's just heading back to the fire for lunch, exceptionally pleased with the way the morning went, when he sees a kid running his way, full speed. It's Wade, he knows, from the jerky movements of his running, and it strikes Tony as extremely odd that Steve would just let Wade come out here by himself. Of course, then Wade gets close enough to see his face, and Tony tell he's crying. He kneels down and catches the boy in his arms, hugging him.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asks, as Wade snuffles into his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Papa's sick," Wade cries, and Tony's breath leaves him in a painful exhale.

"Okay," he says, calm for Wade's benefit, but scared to death inside. "Alright, hold on, baby." He clutches Wade to his chest, stands, and takes off as fast as he can manage toward the tent while still keeping Wade safe in his arms. When he gets there, he sees Bruce outside, which is so not a good sign. He wants to push past him, go inside and see Steve, but he forces himself to stop, set Wade down. Even if it's bad news, he needs to hear it.

"It's a miscarriage," Bruce tells him at once.

"What?" Tony asks, completely shocked. "But he's not even-" and then of course, he remembers the hunt and what he did that night, what he forgot to do. This is all his fault. Steve's sick, maybe dying, probably in terrible pain, and it's all Tony's fault. "Will he be okay?" he asks, shakily.

Bruce hesitates, and then says, "Probably. I've done everything I can for him, given him something for the pain and to bring his fever down, but now all we can do is wait. He's strong, though, his chances are good."

Tony nods. It's not a guarantee, but he'll take it. "Can you and Pepper watch the kids?" he asks and Bruce nods.

"It's taken care of. We'll look after them."

"Thanks," Tony says, and goes into the tent quickly before he loses his nerve. Steve's lying on the bedroll. He looks pale, but his face is fever flushed and he's shivering. He looks over when Tony enters, which is a good sign, Tony thinks.

"The baby?" he slurs, and Tony shakes his head. He crosses the room and kneels down by Steve's side, takes his hand.

"Just you and me," he tells him, stroking Steve's hair with his free hand. "But we'll be okay."

Tony's not sure he believes that, though. This is his fault, and he knows it. He was so stupid that night! How could he have been so dumb? If Steve survives this, and he has to, has to because Tony won't be able to live without him, then Tony will never make that mistake again. He makes a promise to himself, right here and now, that this is it, no more kids, not ever. Steve's not going to die, like Tony's mother did, giving birth to a child he'll never know. They've already got plenty of kids, after all, great ones, and even if Tony feels sad for those kids that will never exist now, well, Steve's the love of his life, and there's nothing, absolutely nothing, that could make Tony hurt him. Never again.

"I love you," Tony tells him. Steve's dozing, exhausted from the pain and Bruce's herbs, so he doesn't answer. It's okay, though. Tony knows Steve loves him, too. Steve loves him and he's going to be okay, and they have four beautiful kids together. That, that is enough for any man.

When Steve wakes up, the first thing he registers is the aching all over his body. His arms are like lead and his head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. Even his legs hurt, for some reason. And of course, his belly is still cramping, but it feels lazy, like his body's gotten what it wants and now it's given up. There was a baby in there, he thinks dully. It was there yesterday, and it's not today. He doesn't remember much of what happened last night, it's mostly blurs of pain and echoes of soothing words. He does remember, though, being told he was having a miscarriage. That means the baby's gone, and Steve killed it. He doesn't feel much of anything at the thought, not yet, but it'll come, he's sure.

He opens his eyes and sees he must have been moved to the healing tent, at some point, though he doesn't remember that happening. Tony's beside him, probably has been all night, clutching at his hand and looking tired. He smiles sadly when Steve catches his eye.

"Hey," he says, and touches Steve's cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Steve admits, then adds, without quite meaning to, "I'm sorry."

"It was not your fault," Tony tells him firmly. "You didn't do anything wrong, Steve. You didn't even know you were pregnant. Bruce said these things just happen, sometimes. But it wasn't your fault."

Steve nods, for Tony's benefit, but he doesn't believe it. This was his baby, his responsibility, and he couldn't keep it alive. He knows why, too, why it died. It was because he didn't want it. The baby must have known that Steve couldn't handle a fifth child, and it did what he wanted and went away.

"Okay," he says, hoping it'll make Tony drop the subject.

Tony must be able to tell Steve's faking, though, because he keeps going. "Steve," he says, reasonably. "What could have even done to this baby to hurt it? You didn't drink poison, or fall off a horse. You didn't do anything. It just happened, all on its own."

His calm tone makes Steve so mad, for some reason. How dare he be so cool and rational whenever Steve just killed their baby. He should be furious with Steve. He should yell and scream. He should blame Steve, because Steve knows it was his fault, knows it with everything in him.

"Don't you understand?" he asks, voice shaking, and can feel himself tearing up. He hates crying, absolutely hates it, and he rubs angrily at his eyes, trying to keep the tears back. "I wanted this to happen! I didn't want to be pregnant and the baby somehow knew. It knew I didn't want it, and that's why it's dead. It's all my fault." Fighting the tears is a losing battle, so Steve just lets his head fall back onto the bedroll and allows them to come.

"Steve." Tony sounds pretty choked up, too. "You didn't do this. Not wanting another baby is not the same thing as wanting the baby to die. I mean, think about it: if you wanted the baby gone, wouldn't you be happy right now? But you're not, you're sad, and hurt, and that's because you loved this baby, and you wanted it, whether it was planned or not. You would never hurt our baby, Steve."

"I don't want to talk about it, anymore," Steve tells him, rolling onto his side so his back's to Tony. He's tired and sore, and he knows he killed this baby, no matter what Tony says. And even if he didn't kill it, he still couldn't keep it alive. Either way, it's dead and it's all his fault.

"That's fine," he hears Tony say, then feels the bedroll shift as Tony lies down behind him. After a moment, Tony's got his arms wrapped around Steve, just like two nights ago, and the night before that. Just like nothing's wrong at all, like their baby isn't gone and Steve isn't to blame. "We can talk later. I'm going to keep telling you this, Steve, until you believe that it wasn't your fault. I'll say it as many times as I have to, for as long as it takes. I love you."

"I love you, too," Steve says, and even if nothing else is okay, that is still the truth.


	3. Chapter 3

After Steve's asleep, Tony untangles himself from him and stands up. He's not happy about leaving Steve here by himself. Even if he's asleep now, he could wake up at any time and he shouldn't be alone, not after what happened yesterday. Unfortunately, someone has to take care of the kids, and today that person is Tony. All their friends have been amazing with their help. Pepper and Bruce watched them last night, while Tony stayed with Steve in the healing tent. Today, Clint and Pepper are combing forces to watch all of the kids together, while Bruce and Natasha see to their own duties. Now, though, it's time for Tony to do his duty. There are only two places they could be, at this time of day: Natasha's tent or Tony's. And Tony's has the best clothesline in the tribe, so that's where he checks first.

The kids are all outside when he gets there, but they're uncharacteristically subdued. Even Wade, the most evil of the whole bunch, is quiet. They're playing marbles, he notes as he gets closer, and they're not even trying to hurt each other with them. Even Carol is there, propped up against her pram, one marble clutched in her little fist, and she's cooing. He regards them all suspiciously, at first; whoever these little angels are, they're not his children. Then he thinks, of course, they're not stupid. They may not know the details, but they definitely know something's wrong with Steve.

This is confirmed when Wade glances up and sees him. He tosses his marbles aside and runs over, reaching up to clutch at the bottom of Tony's shirt. Peter's right behind him and Jan toddling after the boys. The rest of the kids, Maria, Happy and Phil, hover awkwardly a few yards away.

"Where's Papa?" Wade asks.

Tony sighs and kneels down to look at them, his wonderful children. He makes sure to look Wade in the eye most, because of all of them, Wade's the most likely to understand. "Papa is sick," he explains. "But he'll get better. What I need you all to do is be extra nice to him, okay? Give him lots of hugs and be good for him, alright?"

Wade and Peter both nod, like they understand, and Jan says, "Papa," very seriously, so Tony thinks it'll be okay. Wade, at least, will get the job done, and the others will follow his lead. That's one thing you can say about Wade: he's destructive as all get out, but he listens when it really matters.

"We can watch them for a bit longer, if you need," Tony hears, and he looks up to see Pepper watching them.

Tony smiles gratefully and stands up to go hug his sister. "You're fantastic, Pep," he tells her. "Thank you so much for the offer, but I got this, really. I think it'll be good for him to have them around, you know? At the very least it'll distract him. But if you could do me another favor and keep an eye on him during the day I'd really appreciate it super a lot."

"Of course, Tony," she says. "How is he?"

"Oh, you know," Tony waves a hand, trying for casual like this whole thing doesn't tear him up inside. "Thinks it's all his fault, wants me to hate him, doesn't want to talk about it. Pretty much what we expected."

"It'll be okay," Pepper tells him. "He'll be okay."

"I know," Tony says, and he does, really. "It's just, it was so close, you know? But it'll be fine, really, we'll just deal with this, and then we'll make sure it never happens again. It'll all be fine."

She opens her mouth like she wants to say something about that, but Tony's not sure he can stand to hear what she thinks needs said, so he cuts her off.

"Anyway, thanks again for watching them. I'm gonna take them to visit, now. Reassurance, you know?"

"Okay," she agrees, but he can tell she's going to make him talk about it eventually, even if not now. "If you need anything, though, you know where to find me."

Tony smiles, so grateful to have a girl like this in his life. "Yeah, the bedroll next to mine."  
He grabs up Carol and starts to herd his little monsters toward the healing tent. He's got a plan, he does: take care of Steve, keep his family from falling apart, make sure this never happens again. It'll work, it will, because Tony needs it to.

Steve wakes to something landing heavily on his chest and Tony yelling, "Wade, I said gently!" Sure enough, when he opens his eyes, the heavy thing on him is his eldest child, grinning at him madly. Peter and Jan are on the pallet with them, too, and Tony's standing over them, holding Carol and watching with a sad, sweet smile.

"How do you feel?" Tony asks.

Steve feels pretty much like he just killed their baby, but he can't say that, not with all the kids in the room. Instead he forces a smile, too, and says, "Less sore. Or at least, I was, until this monkey jumped right on me."

Wade begins to make monkey noises, then, and of course, that sets Peter and Jan off, too. Even Carol joins in, cooing in her little voice. They don't really understand, he knows, but they love him, and no matter how much trouble they cause on a daily basis, they're the most perfect thing he's ever done in his life. The baby, the one he lost, it could have been another wonderful thing in his life. But it never will be, now, because he was so worried about his own comfort that he didn't even realize he wanted it until it was too late, until the baby was gone.

"I'm glad you're feeling better," Tony tells him. "The kids missed you."

"I can tell," Steve says. They're all over him, clinging and touching, much more than usual. He scared them, he knows, and it's just one more thing to feel guilty about. Poor Wade, especially. He's old enough now to understand that his Papa on the ground bleeding was a very bad thing. He was so brave, too, running to get help. He's a good kid, really.

"They were pretty down all day, but now that they've seen you, they'll probably get rowdy again," Tony tells him. "Do you want me to take them outside?"

Steve looks at the little faces around him, the flailing arms. Wade's got a smudge of dirt on his cheek and Peter just wiped his nose on Jan's shirt. Carol's contenting herself with sucking on Tony's fingers and getting drool all down his hand. These are his children, and they're noisy and messy and sometimes they misbehave terribly, but they're his. The baby, he misses it. He barely knew it was there before it was gone, but he misses the person it could have been. These little brats, though, they need him, and he can't let himself fall apart.

"No," he says, and Tony smiles at him softly. "No, they can stay."

It's not that easy, of course. As much as Steve tells himself that he's okay, there are still times when the whole thing hits him out of the blue, and it's all he can do to hold himself together. He goes back to work two days after the miscarriage, helping in the fields, cleaning and mending for the house, keeping the kids in line. It keeps him busy, keeps his mind off of it, which can only be a good thing. Sometimes, though, Steve will see something, a nursing mother, maybe, or the kids playing outside, and it'll all come back to him. When that happens, he usually goes and lies down for a while, until Tony or one of the kids comes to find him.

He thinks about the baby every day, even on the good days. He's angry, at first, at himself, mostly, for failing both the baby and Tony. He's angry at Tony, too, sometimes, because Tony won't admit that it was Steve's fault. Tony never gets angry back, though. He just keeps on being kind and gentle, and sometimes playful if he thinks Steve is up for it.

Honestly, Tony's been a godsend through this whole thing. He never says anything when he finds Steve lying on the bedroll in the middle of the day, just staring at the tent wall. He just curls up with him, or sits and strokes his hair. He helps with the chores, too, as often as he can, which takes some of the pressure off of Pepper to make up for Steve's lack of productivity on his bad days. And every night, as they're falling asleep, Tony holds him and tells him he loves him, and that the miscarriage wasn't his fault. Steve doesn't believe that, probably never will, but it helps to hear it, anyway.

So it goes on like that, the good days and the bad. Steve aches so badly some days he thinks he won't survive, and but other days he's mostly okay. Not good, but not bad either. He thinks the stress will to Tony eventually, that he'll just snap one day and tell Steve to get over it. He never does, though.. Tony's a solid presence by his side every single day. It helps, and Steve appreciates it, but it all the support in the world doesn't mean he's okay.

One day, about two months after the miscarriage, Steve gets a visit from Ororo, one of the middle-aged camp women. Steve's met her, worked by her in the fields once or twice, but they've never had an actual conversation together. She comes over just as he's hanging up the last of the washing.

"Hello," she says kindly.

"Hi," Steve says. He dries his hands and smiles at her. She seems nice enough, and she is a visitor, after all, so Steve has to be at his best. He looks around, not quite sure what to do. It's been a long time since they've had visitors here; usually most socializing is done after supper. There's a nice green patch of grass right in front of the tent, far enough away from where the boys are playing that they won't be accidently kicked or sprayed with mud.

"Would you like to sit down?" he asks.

"That would be lovely," Ororo answers, and Steve leads her over to the grass, snatching up Carol on the way. Children, Steve has found, can only help in social interactions. If they're good, they provide a nice backdrop and a point of conversation. If they're bad, and his kids almost always are, they're a good excuse to end the discussion early. Steve has gotten out of more than one awkward conversation because his kids were acting up.

Once they're both settled, and Carol is tucked up against Steve's neck, making bruises, Ororo says, "I was sorry to hear about your miscarriage."

Steve inhales raggedly. He's not sure he can handle this conversation. It's been a while since his last really bad day, and this could cause them to start up again. "Th-thank you," he forces out, hoping she'll drop it and they can talk about the weather instead.

"I know it's probably the last thing you want to think about," she continues, "but I think it might help you to know you aren't alone. Others in the tribe have lost children, as well, both before and after birth."

"I'm sorry," Steve says, and he is. This shouldn't happen to anyone, and knowing that it apparently happens often doesn't make him feel better at all.

"It's not your fault," Ororo tells him. "You didn't cause any of it, not even your own miscarriage. I know you don't believe that. I didn't either, when I lost my baby. It's true, regardless."

"What did you do?" Steve asks desperately. "How did you keep going?" Surely she has an answer, some magical way for Steve to just move on.

Ororo shakes her head, sadly. "There's nothing you can do, except keep going. I did exactly what you're doing now. I simply existed, for a while, feeling guilty and angry. Nothing helped, not for a long time. Then one day, I realized I was ready to try again, to have another baby. It didn't erase the hurt, and the new baby could never replace the one I'd lost, but it did make things better."

"But what if I kill the next one, too?" Steve asks in a small voice. "I don't think I could do this all again."

"You're stronger than you think, Steve," she tells him, standing and brushing herself off. "The best thing you can do is to try again. And if the worst happens, you will survive it. Your husband and children love you, and they will never blame you. As long as you remember that, you'll survive, no matter what."

Then she's gone, walking gracefully back across the camp. Steve watches her go, thinking. A baby. Hmmm. He's not ready yet, he knows, but someday soon, he might be. He has less bad days, now, than he did at the beginning. Maybe eventually he'll have none at all, and then everything will be okay again. Maybe, just maybe, a new baby would help with that.

Carol starts fussing, most likely hungry, and Steve stands up and takes her into the tent. He listens to the sounds of his children playing together outside while he feeds his youngest, and thinks, for the first time in a long time, there might be hope.


	4. Chapter 4

One day, a few weeks after his conversation with Ororo, Steve wakes up and realizes it's been days since he's thought about the baby. He feels guilty about it, because the least he can do for this poor baby is make sure it's remembered. There's a part of him, too, that thinks he doesn't really deserve the comfort of forgetting, because no matter what Tony says, Steve will always feel partly responsible for the miscarriage. The thing is, though, even with all those bad feelings that remembering again causes him, the pain is less terrible, somehow, less raw than it was before. And that, that is the moment he decides that they should try again for another baby.

There are a lot of reasons Steve thinks it's a good idea. Ororo's words about a new baby healing the wound a bit are still with him, and that's something Steve wants like burning. A big part of him, too, is afraid that if he doesn't try again soon, he's going to lose his nerve and never have another baby ever. There's a phrase Tony uses sometimes about teaching children to ride, something about getting back onto the horse when you fall or else you'll never get back on at all. Steve's iffy on the exact phrasing, but he thinks the idea applies here, too. It has to be now, or it'll probably be never.

There are still all the reasons Steve had wanted to wait for a fifth baby in the first place, but he's been rethinking those, to be honest. By the time a new baby's born, if they make it now, Wade will be four. That's old enough to keep Peter and Jan entertained, if not necessarily in line. Wade's a good big brother, and as he gets older he'll only take the job more and more seriously. And Peter's level-headed enough that even if Wade tries to initiate something crazy, he'll probably at least keep himself and Jan out of it. Plus, Jan may be a sweetheart, but she's also a diva, and it's terribly hard to please her at times. She's not going to go along with anything that might ruin her clothes or get her hair dirty. All of them will be almost a year older by the time the baby is born, so that should mean they're all a bit less trouble, at least. If Tony takes the three of them to work, most days, and keeps an eye on them, there should be no reason Steve can't handle the younger two. Even Carol, though, shouldn't be that much of a problem. She'll be over a year old by the time the baby's born, and like Peter, she's always been a calm child.

So there it is. All of his children will be fine with a little less supervision, and it's not like a new baby will cause that much chaos anyway, not compared to what the kids they already do on a daily basis. It's the perfect time for a new baby, and Steve, he's ready for it.

It's pretty ironic, then, considering their past stances on babies, that the only problem with the whole thing turns out to be Tony. Steve brings it up while they're in bed, one night.

"I think we should try for another baby," he says, casually and feels Tony's whole body tense behind him.

"I've got to get to the paddock early, tomorrow," Tony says, nonsensically. "Goodnight."  
Steve looks back at him, surprised, but his eyes are closed. "Tony, what-" but Tony cuts in with a loud, fake snore. His body's still tense, though, so he's definitely not asleep all of a sudden. Clearly, though, the discussion will have to wait. The whole thing's a bit baffling, to be honest, but Steve lets it go. Tony can be inexplicably odd, sometimes, and he's just learned to live with it.

It only gets weirder after that. Steve tries a half dozen times to have the baby talk, at the horse paddock, in the workshop, even once during supper, and each time Tony finds something else that needs discussed urgently, or someplace he has to be immediately, or conveniently goes deaf. Finally, after a week of trying, Steve's forced to admit that Tony's not going to have this talk willingly. If they're going to have a baby, it's going to have to be through sneakier methods.

Steve thinks after that, well, they slipped up once, they'll probably do it again. He'll just wait for the night Tony forgets to grab the buffalo skin before sliding inside. It's bound to happen sooner or later.

Except, it never does. No matter how desperately Steve's scrabbling at Tony's shoulders or how loudly he's whining for Tony to just hurry up, Tony never, ever forgets to use his invention. Steve's beginning to think the only way they're going to make a baby is if he ties Tony up first. His hands, at least, so he couldn't reach for the buffalo skin and ruin Steve's plans. He could probably do it, too, and the horse ropes would certainly be strong enough. But, well, that's not really the mood he wants to set for this whole conception thing. He doesn't want to force Tony, just trick him a little bit.

Eventually, desperate, Steve thinks sabotage. He struggles with it for days, beforehand, but finally decides to just go for it. He feels like the worst bride ever, the whole time he's putting holes in Tony's buffalo skin invention with his sewing needle, but if Tony won't give him a baby and he won't talk about it, Steve isn't left with very many choices. Besides, he knows Tony wants this baby, even if, for whatever reason, he won't get Steve pregnant.

The next time they have sex, lets himself act as wanton and open as he can to lure Tony in. It's not even really pretending; Tony makes him feel that way every time they do this, he usually just tries to hold back because it's embarrassing how desperate he gets for Tony to be inside him. This time, though, Steve lets it all show.

Steve doesn't think Tony even means for it to turn into sex. He's just nuzzling Steve's neck, like every night, and Steve goes for it, pushes back against him and just mewls when he feels Tony getting hard. After that, Tony's got him on his back in a flash. It's a good position to conceive in, Steve thinks. It's his favorite because he likes being able to look up at Tony's face, kiss him if he wants, hold him close as he moves inside Steve. He also likes it because it's how all of his children were conceived.

It's probably suspicious when Steve doesn't even complain when Tony goes for his nipples, not even when he bends down and bites at them. His teeth hurt, worse than his fingers ever did, but Steve just bucks and thrashes with how good it feels under all the pain. And when Tony raises his head to look Steve in the eye with a trail of milk running down his chin, well, Steve's world goes white for few seconds.

Tony uses the opportunity to get fingers in him. He starts with one, like he always does, but he must be pretty desperate tonight, because he works his way up to three without the usual teasing. Then he's pulling Steve closer, hooking one of Steve's legs over his shoulder and one around his hip. He grabs hold of himself and is just about to press inside, Steve holding his breath in hope, when he stops, pulls back and reaches for the buffalo skin. Steve lets out a breath of disappointment, but, well, this is why he has a plan b.

It's good. Boy is it good. Tony's on fire tonight, hitting Steve in all the right places, with just the right speed and force. It's rough and heavy, Tony pounding into him and hissing when Steve's fingernails rake scratches down his back. And when Tony finally takes him in hand, stroking with just the right counter-rhythm, Steve loses it pretty quickly. Just as the sparks are taking over his vision, he feels Tony come inside him, just wet enough that Steve knows his plan worked.

"That was fantastic," Tony says, after he comes down. His smile is so wide and open. It's been a long time since he's looked like that, and Steve feels guilty, knowing it was his fault. Tony's been worried about him for so long. Now, though, with the baby they probably just made, things will be better. And if they didn't accomplish it this time, Steve will think of something else. Tony'll be happy, he thinks, because Tony loves him and he loves their kids, and no matter why he's being stubborn about this, he wants more of them.

That's what he thinks, anyway, until Tony pulls out and takes off the buffalo skin. It's pretty obvious, even from where Steve's still lying on his back, that it's leaking. He may have gotten carried away making holes, but he'd wanted to be sure it would work. Tony'll probably be mad, he thinks, but that's not exactly what happens.

What happens is, Tony takes one look at the thing and drops it like it's on fire. His breathing goes ragged and uneven, and he sits back hard on the pallet. "No," he breathes. "No, no, no, no. This cannot be happening. This isn't real." He looks up at Steve and his eyes are so wretched that Steve flinches back. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I thought it was safe, I thought there wouldn't be any mistakes, I swore it, Steve, I swore and now it's all wrong-"

"Tony," Steve cuts in, and sits up to grab Tony's hand. He should stay still, he knows, to help with the conception, but Tony's hurting and even if Steve's not sure why, he can't ignore it. "What are you talking about?"

"I swore, Steve," Tony tells him, voice firmer but eyes still wide and afraid. "I swore there wouldn't be any more babies. Not now, not ever. And now… I failed."

Steve thinks maybe he knows what this is about, and it's something he'd considered himself, when he was still so distraught about the miscarriage. "Tony," he says, forcing the words out. "It this because you don't trust me to have your kids anymore?" It's probably a valid concern, anyway. Even Steve's not sure he trusts himself, completely. It's partly what this pregnancy is about, proving to himself that he can have a healthy baby again.

"What?" Tony says, sounding confused. "No, I don't even know what that means. It's not about trust, Steve, it's about you dying. I swore I wasn't going to let it happen and I couldn't even do that right."

"Who's dying?" Steve asks, lost. He's not sure he and Tony are having the same conversation, here. "Tony, no one's dying."

"But you could!" Tony insists. "You could die, and I'll have killed you, Steve, just like I did to my-"

He cuts himself off, but not soon enough, and Steve realizes abruptly what's going on, here. Tony's never done well in situations with the potential for loss. Steve thinks something must have happened to him as a child, maybe someone said something to him, because Tony's convinced he's eventually going to be alone, without anyone to love him. It doesn't surface often, but when it does, it gets serious. And with the way his mother died, it's no wonder he's worried, now, especially after the miscarriage. Plus, Steve realizes, Tony's been so strong and supportive this whole time that Steve never even thought to ask if he was okay. With all the self-blaming he was doing, it didn't occur to him that Tony felt guilty, too.

"You didn't kill your mother," Steve tells him softly. "I don't know who told you that you did, but it was not your fault, Tony. And the miscarriage, that wasn't your fault, either. It was an accident. You told me that, remember? That it was just an accident, not my fault. So if it wasn't my fault, how could it be yours?"

"It doesn't matter," Tony says, brushing away the words. "Whether either of those things was my fault doesn't matter, because the invention obviously failed, and that can't be anyone's fault but mine. And now, if you die-"

"I'm not going to die, Tony," Steve says, exasperatedly. "No one is going to die. I'm going to have this baby, and it'll be healthy and I'll be healthy and everything will be perfectly fine. And anyway, the invention didn't fail because of a design flaw. It failed because I put holes in it." He admits this last part rather sheepishly, but it's something Tony needs to know, probably sooner than later.

"What?" Tony asks, incredulous. "Why would you do that?"

"I wanted a baby," Steve says defensively. "You wouldn't give me one or even talk about it. This was the only thing I could think of. And I know it worries you, but we both could die any day, and you know it. Any one of us could get trampled by horses or bitten by a desert snake. We live dangerous lives, and that's just how it is, so why not make the most of it while we're still alive?"

Tony seems calmer, now, if not entirely convinced, so Steve lies back down, pulling Tony to lie beside him with the hand he's still holding. Tony wraps his arms around Steve immediately and pushes his face into Steve's neck.

"I don't ever want to live without you," he says, muffled.

"You won't have to," Steve tells him. It's not something he can promise, and they both know it, but it helps to say, anyhow. He's got a good feeling about this baby, the one they might have made tonight, and Tony, he'll come around.

Tony does come around to the idea, and sooner than Steve expects. By the very next day, he's obviously pushed his fears and worries back down inside himself where they usually stay, because he wakes Steve up with a belly rub. "There might be a baby in here," he whispers in Steve's ear. "You know what that does to me."

Steve can feel exactly what it does to him, hard and insistent against his back. He sighs happily and rolls in Tony's arms to kiss him. Things get heated, fast, and just as Tony's hand is creeping lower, down past Steve's belly, they're interrupted by a cry from Carol.

"I changed my mind," Tony jokes, pulling back. "Let's not have any more kids, after all." And if he's joking about it, he must be pretty okay with it.

Steve laughs, giddily. "Too late," he says, and gives Tony one last kiss before getting up to find pants and feed the baby.

It really is too late, as they find out a few months later when the pregnancy sickness hits Steve again. He's relieved to feel it, honestly, despite the discomfort it causes him, because he can tell right away that it's nothing like the last time. There are no cramps, no fever, just good, honest nausea.

Tony's still worried, Steve can tell, but he doesn't say anything, and Steve never does either. When they pass the four month mark and baby starts kicking, they both heave a sigh of relief. He knows Tony won't be completely relieved until the baby's born, but Steve, he's confident, now, that everything will be fine. He'll have this baby and they'll both be fine. Then there will be five kids, but the thought doesn't fill Steve with dread like it did before. He wants them, all of them, and he'll love them and protect them for as long he lives.

As for the baby he lost, well, Steve won't ever forget it. He still feels sad, sometimes, even once he's pregnant again, but he thinks that's maybe normal. He works through it, when it comes, talks to Ororo or just plays with his kids. It's in those times that he always remembers what he said to Tony that night this baby was conceived. Life is dangerous, and there are so many ways for things to wrong, so why not make the most of it while he's still alive? He wants more kids, at least a few more, and he feels confident that they'll all be born healthy and he'll survive to raise them into adults. He knows there's a chance of dying, every day, though, so he's vowed that he's going to live every moment the best he can, with Tony and their kids and all the love they have between them. If he does that, no matter what happens in the future, everything will be okay.


End file.
